Kudzai Sadomba on Marriage!!!
I did not think that I was to have another time to rant on anything else other than the abuse I've been getting from ... and something about girls or barrish along those lines but anyway, I'm here!! Most of you who know me well know that I hate weddings... and not just hate them but hate them with a passion. The history of which dates back to when one of my mum's friends (I honestly forgotten the name) got married after she had promised to wait for me (you think that's silly, but give me credit - I was 7 years old and that Kiss still haunts me)!!
Later on I then had this gig of playing the "Bridal March" and "Here Comes the Bride" at weddings (piano). That gig was sweet and the pay was good (didn't really care about the pay) but what stopped me from playing was when I played at a cousin's wedding (I was 11) and then never mind the fact that they didn't sit me at the High Table (who really wants that attention right) but they didn't sit me with the other "bigger" people. I was made to go to the kids' room (I vowed never to play at another wedding again unless I was begged)!!
Anyway, let's take a moment to forget weddings but look at marriage!
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?" Kudzai Sadomba, 21 years old 5 months ago today
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" - Something I said when I was like 8!!
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Something Chiedza would say, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Doggie (Sarcasm)
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome and has money..." - Something Rumbie said (2005)
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" Take a guess, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"Well back when my dad was skinny, he fell in love with my mum and then chased her around for a long time and viola" - Take a guess, nineteen years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Tumelo, sixteen years old
"I take them out for lunch or a movie and see where it goes..." - Me, seventeen years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -My mentor, above 30 (great guy, Korean, doesn't have Facebook)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - My ex Tracy, 20 years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read the (I forgot the name of the magazine but you told me to read it)" - Lauren, 21 years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" - Danai, nineteen years old
Paul says something about it in one of his epistles...
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Me, 21 years old
Okay I miss being little again but as far as I can remember, all I have ever wanted to be was a grown up! Now that's kinda the case now, not so much!! The responsibility, the urges, rent payments, insurance, work and employment, the urges and who can forget my conversations with mum, "Vasikana vari sei ikoko?" Anyway, I think I am almost through my Early Adulthood crisis but there is still one thing... my fear of weddings!!
I once had a dream I was getting married and I didn't know anyone at my wedding... it made me lose sleep for more nights than when I found out that "Snoop" from "The Wire" was actually a girl!!
Wedding preparation guidelines
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch Kudzai Sadomba and Rufaro Chivaura make it legal on March 16, 2013." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 16th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Ruf's having some friends over to watch Liverpool beat ManU and witness our weddin'."
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. If at all this is all still a bit of a problem, you can have Tumelo, Danai and Mumu arrange for traffic delays, sniper specialists and funeral arrangements for any trouble that may arise.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!
Common wedding questions and answers
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except try and leave Country Gospel out... it may be okay for the ceremony but I won't be caught dead dancing to it unless I am marrying a religious cowgirl!!
Anyway, I am going to be nice and end here.. maybe if you guys really like this sort of thing you can let me know and I will create a sequel at a later day when I do have more time! I have four weeks left of school and I am still exhausted and I don't know whether The Lord will give me strength to continue (I can actually drop out now and still graduate... have enough creds)!! Oh and I am off girls... tired of getting my heart broken (oh and anyone comment on this last statement, I will block you from my FB account, you've been warned)!!!
Later...
PS: Thank you AHA Jokes, you guys crack me up!!! Oh and if I hurt or offended anyone, just wanna say I am sorry and please know I am just joking and none of this should be taken seriously! I am just lonely and need to keep myself occupied when I am not working!! But seriously if I did something you didn't like above, send me a message!! I only tagged people mentioned or referred to in this note (for more info, send me a message)!!
Later on I then had this gig of playing the "Bridal March" and "Here Comes the Bride" at weddings (piano). That gig was sweet and the pay was good (didn't really care about the pay) but what stopped me from playing was when I played at a cousin's wedding (I was 11) and then never mind the fact that they didn't sit me at the High Table (who really wants that attention right) but they didn't sit me with the other "bigger" people. I was made to go to the kids' room (I vowed never to play at another wedding again unless I was begged)!!
Anyway, let's take a moment to forget weddings but look at marriage!
What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?" Kudzai Sadomba, 21 years old 5 months ago today
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" - Something I said when I was like 8!!
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." - Something Chiedza would say, nine years old
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." - Doggie (Sarcasm)
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome and has money..." - Something Rumbie said (2005)
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" Take a guess, five years old
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
"Well back when my dad was skinny, he fell in love with my mum and then chased her around for a long time and viola" - Take a guess, nineteen years old
What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Tumelo, sixteen years old
"I take them out for lunch or a movie and see where it goes..." - Me, seventeen years old
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -My mentor, above 30 (great guy, Korean, doesn't have Facebook)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." - My ex Tracy, 20 years old
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read the (I forgot the name of the magazine but you told me to read it)" - Lauren, 21 years old
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" - Danai, nineteen years old
Paul says something about it in one of his epistles...
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Me, 21 years old
Okay I miss being little again but as far as I can remember, all I have ever wanted to be was a grown up! Now that's kinda the case now, not so much!! The responsibility, the urges, rent payments, insurance, work and employment, the urges and who can forget my conversations with mum, "Vasikana vari sei ikoko?" Anyway, I think I am almost through my Early Adulthood crisis but there is still one thing... my fear of weddings!!
I once had a dream I was getting married and I didn't know anyone at my wedding... it made me lose sleep for more nights than when I found out that "Snoop" from "The Wire" was actually a girl!!
Wedding preparation guidelines
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like "You are invited to watch Kudzai Sadomba and Rufaro Chivaura make it legal on March 16, 2013." will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell "If you aint doing nothin' on the 16th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Ruf's having some friends over to watch Liverpool beat ManU and witness our weddin'."
Proper attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big "they" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony..." tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. If at all this is all still a bit of a problem, you can have Tumelo, Danai and Mumu arrange for traffic delays, sniper specialists and funeral arrangements for any trouble that may arise.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!
Common wedding questions and answers
Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.
Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
A: At least one within a week of the wedding.
Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except try and leave Country Gospel out... it may be okay for the ceremony but I won't be caught dead dancing to it unless I am marrying a religious cowgirl!!
Anyway, I am going to be nice and end here.. maybe if you guys really like this sort of thing you can let me know and I will create a sequel at a later day when I do have more time! I have four weeks left of school and I am still exhausted and I don't know whether The Lord will give me strength to continue (I can actually drop out now and still graduate... have enough creds)!! Oh and I am off girls... tired of getting my heart broken (oh and anyone comment on this last statement, I will block you from my FB account, you've been warned)!!!
Later...
PS: Thank you AHA Jokes, you guys crack me up!!! Oh and if I hurt or offended anyone, just wanna say I am sorry and please know I am just joking and none of this should be taken seriously! I am just lonely and need to keep myself occupied when I am not working!! But seriously if I did something you didn't like above, send me a message!! I only tagged people mentioned or referred to in this note (for more info, send me a message)!!
Four weeks and I'm gone...
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